It’s the season to acknowledge the love around us. Whether we have a significant other or not. Me personally, I have love All around me with a husband and 2 beautiful kids, loving extended family, and friends that are like sisters. It’s such a blessing! I couldn’t always see the blessing I was so stuck in thinking about what I was lacking and always comparing myself to others it was so exhausting. I found that I was always bumping my head on this wall of frustration, self sabotage and doubt. I couldn’t figure it out. I just knew I was mad real mad and sometimes I would unleash it onto others who didn’t deserve it, make mistakes that could have been avoid it, and found myself in a slump of depression.
I was inspired by my Masters program. yes I am a Social Worker. I actually provide therapeutic services, behavioral health and resources in real life. As a social worker you are encouraged to practice self care because we deal with a lot of heavy situations and stories. However I realized I needed some work myself. I begin to do research and read about African American women and the diseases we die from. I started learning more about how due to trauma and chronic stress we are most likely to die from heart attacks and strokes. I started to think of myself and the build up of anger, frustration, hurt that I was not addressing. I realized somethings went all the way back to childhood while other situations were occurring in the present.
I made a commitment to journal for 10 days straight, go to therapy and begin my walks. I’m originally from Pasadena so the Rose Bowl was a common place to walk. Where you have beautiful scenery and able to get instant clarity. I learned that it was important to uplift myself and that those around me loved me but if I didn’t love myself it was not going to matter and I would never fill in the emptiness I felt. That feeling of going through the motions but still nothing there until you just erupt. As I started to taking the steps toward self care and having a routine I was able to dig within. I learned how to be by myself, that it’s okay to cry, became a better communicator, learned how to use positive tips to cope. Mindfulness, meditation, and grounding techniques. Through this I learned things that I like and don’t like, listen to my gut, and most off I deserve good things. It was the mundane steps I took even when it was hard that got me through the fire of addressing the tough stuff and the things I was avoiding. Once I started peeling back the layer I was able to make changes. I was able to see where I wanted to go from here and rid of the toxicity from all areas of my life. A weight that lifted. I was able to see me in the mirror and love me for me. I was seeking so much approval from everyone else not realizing I didn’t approve of myself and that love comes from within. I need to learn how to love me so that I could love others. Since then I’ve been blessed and continue to be blessed. there are days of ups and downs but now I have the tools to move forward.
I wish all who reads this understands that you don’t have to stay stuck and mad. You’re well deserving of love and it starts from within.